


Inappropriate!

by Broba



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Hijinks & Shenanigans, Multi, Romantic Comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-23
Updated: 2012-02-23
Packaged: 2017-10-31 15:32:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/345717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Broba/pseuds/Broba
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oh where to begin! When I spotted a chance to do a sequel to "Anything, Please!" I just leapt on it. I love the crazed triangle between Mom, Dad and the long-suffering Bro caught in the middle.</p><p>The prompt specified that there had to be hikinks involving a xerox machine...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Inappropriate!

The big Lincoln purred up to the a nondescript beige office block, one just like thousands of others like it dotted around the middle of the city, and parked illegally at the side of the road. In the drivers seat, a bored young man squirmed uncomfortably in the black suit he had been instructed by his employer to wear, as he always had to when he was acting as chauffeur. His employer felt it made him look, in her words, "less _ethnic_ , goddamn it."  
  
 Mrs Lalonde edged down one of the tinted windows in the back and peered up at the office, holding up a pair of discreet binoculars to see better.  
"Couldn't you get us any closer? I can barely see anything at all!"  
Bro Strider sighed, "this is as close as I can get without getting us ticketed."  
"I thought you people knew how to deal with the police, or something!"  
Bro groaned inwardly and gripped the steering wheel, trying just to think of the badly needed money this job brought in, "yeah, I guess I should have brought my poncho or something."  
"And don't you take that tone with me, there's a child present!"  
  
Beside Mom on the back seat, little Rose Lalonde gave Bro a look in the rear-view mirror which said "don't blame me, pal."  
  
Rose tried to concentrate on her magazine and endure the infinite humiliation of being dragged around by her mother like this. She was regretting bitterly ever telling her mother that today was a 'bring your offspring to work' day for her class. That had got the cog-wheels turning in her mother's head, which must have been easy because Rose had noted they were well-lubricated at the time. She smirked at her imaginary little put-down and saved it to use later.  
  
"Mother," she sighed, "you're not going to see anything from down here anyway. And exactly what about this is 'bringing me to work?' You don't even have a job."  
"I don't need a job darling, because some people know how to make clever investments and let their money do the work for them. Ah, feel free to take notes Hermano."  
"I'm one note taking dude all over here," said Bro boredly, "I'ma gettin' out my little notebook and everythin'."  
"Anyway Rose, one of the most important parts of looking after money is getting people to do it for you, and that means..." she paused, and grinned widely as she spotted a familiar figure holding hands with a young boy walking into the office, "...meeting with lawyers."  
"Oh god no," Rose groaned, "we're stalking Mr Egbert aren't we?"  
"Stalking? Good gracious dear if you must use all these grown-up words at least wear a little make-up to go along with it. And would it kill you to wear heels?"  
"Mother, I'm thirteen."  
"Looking like that, I can believe it. All right then, driver! Driver!"  
Bro stared steadfastly ahead, and lightly drummed his fingers on the wheel. Gritting his teeth he half-turned and put on a fake smile. "Yes. Ma'am."  
"Park the car, and, ah, look after Rose for a few hours. There's a dear."  
"Mom!" Rose protested, "what the hell?"  
"Language!" Mom was already out of the car, and leaning in through the window which gave Bro a view of a disgraceful amount of cleavage, "it's bring your child to work day, and here we are. Consider yourself brought. Now be a dear and go have a milkshake or something while mommy gets down to business." She paused and looked Rose up and down for a moment. "Ah, skim milk in that shake, there's a girl." Then she was gone, clacking across the road on heels that made her look like a predatory flamingo. When a car had to stop in order to avoid her and the driver blew his horn, she turned without missing a beat, raised one finger and told them to 'get back to Cuba.'  
  
Rose groaned and flopped back in her seat. She opened her eyes at the sound of soft thudding. Bro was banging his head rhythmically on the wheel.  
  
John looked around him wide-eyed as he was led into his father's office building. On the outside it was no different to any other building around, boring and colourless, but he had to admit to being a little bit impressed when they pushed through the revolving door. The lobby was floored in cream and grey chequered tiles of pure marble, the walls were panelled half-way up with bright brass panelling and finished off with more marble cladding. A very stern and serious looking woman behind the desk nodded respectfully at his dad, who tipped his hat to her, and they walked straight past to the elevators. John looked up at his dad and smiled, he had to be very important.  
  
They summoned an elevator which opened with a low, expensive sounding chime and stepped in. John demanded to press the button, and his chuckled and indicated the sixth floor. A short distance away there was a clacking sound, and Mr Egbert looked up- he knew those heels.  
"Sixth floor son," he said nervously, "quickly now."  
"Okay dad! Here we go, sixth floor!"  
"There's a lad, quick quick!"  
  
Across the lobby, Mom sighted them and hallooed, waving gaily to them. John saw the odd lady with the tight dress and lifted a hand uncertainly. Behind him, his dad was stabbing at the button- any button- repeatedly.  
"Yoo-hoo!" Mrs Lalonde called, clacking over towards the elevator, "ho-o-old the elevator please!"  
Mr Egbert made classic "I can't hear you, sorry" motions, cupping his ear, while hammering at the button.  
"Hey dad, I think the lady needs to get in with us,"  
"What's that John? I didn't... I don't think... she'll be fine, no need to..."  
He was really pounding on the button now. Across the lobby, Mrs Lalonde narrowed her eyes and clacked over to the desk resolutely.  
"Dad? Why do you keep hitting that button like that?"  
"I don't know what's wrong with this silly thing," Dad grinned manically around his pipe, "it should be closing, _why isn't it closing?"_  
  
Finally, the doors began to close with a whoosh. Mom grabbed a ballpoint pen from the desk and took aim, hurling it over-armed. As the doors were just about to click shut the pen lodged perfectly between them, the tip mere inches from Dad's eyes. He issued a strangled cry of disbelief and nearly said something ungentlemanly as the doors whooshed open again and Mom clacked over to the elevator triumphantly.  
  
"Goodness, I nearly didn't make it!" She smoothed her tight pencil skirt down and stood next to Dad, smiling innocently. John was amazed.  
"That was awesome!" He gushed, "how did you learn to do that?"  
Mom smiled grimly and grunted, "amazing what you pick up raising a young girl. Oh my word, Mr Egbert, why, what a surprise to see you here!" She fanned her chest, as though the co-incidence of stepping into an elevator with him were so deeply surprising that it gave her the vapours.  
Dad coughed and raised his hat, "ah, ah, a pleasure to see you Mrs Lalonde. Of course, you know my son John?" He gave her a panicked look.  
"Oh this is John! My goodness, you're in the same class as my little Rosie, aren't you? My but you're a big fellow aren't you?" She beamed and pinched his cheek playfully, John grinned at the nice lady. Dad mopped a little perspiration from his brow with a handkerchief.  
"Well, it's been lovely meeting you again Mrs Lalonde,"  
"Oh please dear, 'Mrs Lalonde' sounds so formal. Just call me-" she was interrupted as the doors opened on the third floor and a group of sullen men tramped in and immediately began discussing the upcoming market reports for the end of the first quarter. Dad had never been more pleased to see the gang from accounts (receivable) in all his life.  
"Oh! John! This is quite interesting, these gentlemen work in accounts, how's it going fellows?"  
One of them turned a sullen, sunken-eyed gaze of harassed misery on Dad and muttered, "accounts (receivable), the accounts department is on fourth."  
"Ah, of course. So how's things at the old coal-face?"  
The man looked like he was about to break into tears, "the first quarter results are hell! We're haemorrhaging funds and who gets the blame when overall inflows are down?"  
"Um," said John, "accounts (receivable)?"  
"That's right. There's no justice. I want to jump out of a window. I'm going to do it."  
John looked nervous, Dad laughed a little bit too loudly and grimaced. "Oh come now,"  
"I'm going to do it Egbert. Today's the day."  
The elevator dinged again and the men from accounts (receivable) left.  
"Wow," said John.  
"I know," Dad muttered, "those accounts (receivable) guys are always a little highly strung."  
  
The elevator hit the sixth floor and Dad practically yanked John out after him. He was dismayed but hardly surprised when Mom followed them.  
"Oh goodness, is this your floor? Well that's just the strangest thing," she tittered, "I'm here to discuss opening a business account with a lawyer, wouldn't it just be simply the funniest thing if it were you?"  
Dad paused, halfway down the plushly carpeted corridor and looked at her. He took a step towards his office. Mom smirked and took a step. He took another, and so did she.  
"Ah, say, which office were you, ah, heading for?"  
She grinned, she'd done her research. "Four one three."  
"That's your office dad!" John grinned helpfully.  
Dad bit his pipestem hard, "well isn't that just a dickens of a thing."  
  
Dad opened the door to his office and let Mom in first like a gentleman, she flounced in and took a seat before his desk with a delighted smile.  
"What a simply darling place! Oh look John, there's a photograph of you on the desk- oh isn't that just classic?"  
"John, how's about you run down the hall to the soda-pop machine and get us a couple, there's a champ!" Dad gave him a handful of quarters from the specific quarters pocket sewed into the cut of his trousers, and John nodded and darted off.  
  
Dad advanced on the desk, and Mom swivelled in her seat with an evil grin to watch him coming.  
"It really is a darling little office you know," she said.  
"Yes, isn't it just, and what are you doing in it?"  
"Da-a-arling, really, must we? It's so tiresome having to pretend like this." She wound a finger around and around his tie teasingly, "I want to put my picture on your desk too."  
"I know, I know, and I want that too! I just don't think John's ready yet, he still doesn't know I've taken to courting a lady yet."  
She got up and sat petitely on the edge of the desk, pouting, "you don't think I'd look good on your desk? Don't you want to," she was practically purring, "have me up here?"  
Dad nearly bit straight through his pipe.  
  
Outside the office, Bro neatly parked the car and they got out.  
"So what now, kid?"  
Rose looked him over critically. "You know, my mom is very rich and important."  
"Yah, so she tells me every damn day."  
"She is what I believe they like to call, a catch."  
"That so?"  
"Yes. So. Are you and she....?"  
"What? No! Shit! That's just... argh, no! Just no!"  
Rose sniffed. "Well. Would you try?"  
Bro stared down at her in shock, pleased that his glasses disguised his expression. "What?"  
"It might calm her down a little, I really think she could use a bit of-" Rose mimed a double fisted pelvic pumping action.  
"Oh god! No!"  
"Please? It'd really be doing me a solid."  
"I can't believe this, I'm bein' molestered by little girl!"  
"I'm thirteen!"  
"Oh god!"  
"Just, give her a bit of attention! Maybe show a little leg, that kind of thing! I can make it worth your while!"  
"Just how much do you think my while is worth? Jesus!"  
Rose frowned and snapped back at him, "All right listen up! I'm going to go right into that office and try to stop her making a complete humiliating mess of everything, and you're going to help me!"  
"Uh, okay, how about this- I'm not doing any of that."  
Rose opened her little bag and pulled out a wad of bills. Mom left them around like they were valium or something. "Oh, but my little green buddies here say you are!"  
  
Rose and Bro pushed through the revolving door together and saw their first problem immediately- behind the lobby desk the woman looking at them had an expression which stated immediately and clearly that no bullshit would be had in this vicinity. Rose groaned and turned, but Bro put a hand on her shoulder.  
"Wait there, kid."  
  
Bro strode up as though he was going to walk right past the desk and when the woman raised her hand and was about to call out to him he froze and twisted at the hip to snap his fingers into double pistols at her. She hesitated. Bro began to roll his shoulders and move his hips in time to a throbbing imaginary beat. She blinked and he gave her the double pistols again, nodding in time to the music in his head. She swallowed hard and put a hand to her chest demurely. Bro sidled around her desk and extended his hand, taking hers and leading her away through the door behind her desk into an office.  
  
Rose coughed discreetly and fiddled with her bag, wishing not for the first time that her shift dress had pockets to shove her hands into. She watched the big ornate clock on the wall, and gradually seven full minutes ticked by. Bro stepped out of the office toward her, he had his black suit jacket slung over one shoulder supported by a finger and his tie was loosened.  
"Come on,"  
"What did you..."  
"Don't wanna talk about it."  
"Is she alright?"  
"Oh," he smirked as they stepped into the elevator, "better'n alright."  
The lift ascended. Rose had studiously glanced over her mother's stalking notes previously, she had done her research too, and picked the sixth floor. While they waited she coughed and glanced over at Bro.  
"You, uh,"  
"I'm good at what I do, kid."  
She nodded and patted him on the arm, "never thought I'd be a pimp by thirteen."  
  
In Dad's office, the atmosphere was charged.  By now, John had been dispatched for sodas, a coffee, some doughnuts from the cafeteria on Fourth- he had run into some of the hollow-souled human shaped clouds of despair from accounts (receivable)- and for some reason a fresh supply of paperclips from the stationary office. It was strange because he was sure his dad wasn't really interested in paperclips. Every time he got back to the office Mrs Lalonde looked a little bit more frustrated, and Dad's desk kept getting rearranged as though everything upon it was being regularly messed up and put back in a hurry.  
  
This time, they sent him away on an errand for some fresh pens, of all things. His dad assured him that it was vital for the proper running of his office that he had fresh pens right now.  
"Now you just need to stop all this foolishness," Mom hissed, "the boy is practically a grown-up now, he can deal with you having a little me-love-you-Lalonde-time!"  
"He's such a sensitive boy though, I'd never forgive myself if I put my own," Dad took a breath, his gaze had been derailed by her cleavage and his train of thought was plunging into the valley, "needs before my duties as a parent."  
"Of course darling, I understand you perfectly, I'd simply die if I weren't simply the best mother I could be to my little Rose-" it was at this moment precisely that Rose was in the elevator peeling off bills for Bro and commending him on his good work, especially the thing he did with his hips- "but we're none of us getting any younger, and isn't it about time we thought of ourselves, just this once?" She walked her fingers up his shirt and over his tie, stroking her fingertips through the faintest sharpness of stubble on his face. This close she could smell his cologne, the man was just like a solid teak carving of gentlemanhood given form, she licked her lips.  
  
Rose and Bro stepped out of the elevator, Bro was pocketing a handful of bills and Rose was giving the orders. They saw John pop out of an office with a faintly confused expression and walk away.  
"Right, I'll go keep John occupied. You need to get my mom out of there."  
"How am I supposed to do that?"  
"Be sneaky or something, I don't know! Figure something out! Tell her there's a fire back home or something."  
"Will that work?"  
"How should I know? Just get her! Oh, and she has a slightly stiff hip so I'd suggest coming at her from the left, and watch out if she's holding anything sharp. But don't forget to watch for low-kicks!"  
"Jesus!"  
"Good boy. I'll meet up with you as soon as I have John safely tucked away somewhere. If any of this gets back to school I might as well just curl up and die of shame now, it'll save time."  
  
Bro charged into the office just as Mom and Dad were clinching, Mom spat Dad's tie out and rounded on him furiously, dropping the poor man in his seat.  
"Just what the holy hell are you doing here?"  
"There," Bro gulped, "there's been a fire."  
"You!" Dad gasped, "now, see here! This is highly inappropriate!"  
"Get the hell out of here, I'm in the middle of complex negotiations!"  
"It's, uh, it's a really big fire."  
"Are you serious?" Dad paled slightly, "oh my god!"  
"Don't be so naive Egbert, this is clearly just a ludicrous ploy!" She snatched up the name-plate from Dad's desk, Bro noted the way the metal corners gleamed and got ready to duck fast.  
"Yeah! It's, oh it's such a fire! People are, like they're all crazy and such!"  
  
John slumped as he wandered into the supplies room, where reams of paper, binders, pens and various bits of office machinery were stored.  
"Pens, pens, pens," he muttered. The door slammed closed behind him and he span to see Rose there, looking at him with a slightly wild expression.  
"John! Hi! This is a surprise! Which is as much of a surprise to me as it surely is to you!"  
"Rose? Hi Rose! What are you doing here?"  
"Oh, you know, stuff. Hey, is that a Xerox machine? Wow, that sure is awesome!"  
It was literally the first thing she cast her eye on, and John shrugged boredly.  
"I guess?"  
"Oh wow, I bet we could have a lot of fun with the stuff in this room right here! Here specifically!"  
"Really? I- well that's great Rose. Anyway, I have to get back to my dad."  
"No! I mean, no!"  
"Why... not?" John looked at her like she was crazy.  
"Because! Our parents dragging us around like this, doesn't it make you upset?"  
"Well it's kind of boring I guess, my dad keeps sending me on these pointless little errands."  
"Exactly! He's just trying to get rid of you! You should totally not do his errands, just to get your own back! In fact, you shouldn't go back to his office! At all!"  
"Uh, what else would I do?"  
Rose shrugged, "you're always pranking people right? Well, think of a prank."  
John frowned and thought about this deeply, with the seriousness a good pranking deserved, then he looked at the Xerox machine and smirked, "well, I do have one idea."  
  
Back in the office, Bro was shooing the adults towards the door, still on the pretext of a fire. Naturally, Dad opened the door for her, nodding politely. Bro swerved in after her and yanked the door shut, pulling a potted ficus plant over to jam the thick stem underneath the door-handle, which rattled and shook impatiently.  
"What the hell are you doing, is this about money? No more deneiro, you understand? We gusta?"  
"Naw," said Bro with a smirk, "we ain't exactly gusta."  
He grabbed her bodily with a grunt and lifted her, she was bird-thin but she had remarkably sharp fists as she beat on his chest.  
"Let me go you filthy Mexican!"  
"Sorry Mrs L!"  
  
In the stationary room John was giggling maniacally. He was sat on the scanning plate of the Xerox machine which hummed and flashed, his pants jammed down to his thighs while copy after copy of his butt shot out into the copy tray. Rose just rolled her eyes repeatedly and turned her back on the whole situation, just hoping to buy enough time for Bro to crowbar her mother of John's dad.  
"Ahahaha," John giggled, "ahahahahaha!"  
"Real classy, John,"  
"See how he likes this report! Ahahaha!"  
The door opened suddenly, it was at right-angles to the nearby Xerox and the anonymous worker from accounts (receivable) was already a step into the room when he saw the shocked looking boy on the copier and the little girl staring at him in horror.  
  
It was all too much for him. He was holding under his arm a half-completed first quarter report which would almost certainly lead to the firing of several members of accounts (receivable) and, even worse, those bastards in accounts (payable) knew it and had been needling him all week with their passive-aggressive little intra-office memos. In his other hand, a cup full of steaming fauxspresso from the office coffee machine began to shake gently. It was all too much, and now he was seeing weird little children everywhere. There had been one in the elevator too on the way up, when Egbert had accused him of working for accounts. It was all too much.  
"You're not real," he squeaked, "you're not really there."  
"That's... right?" Said Rose slowly, "this is all a dream?"  
"Oh," he smiled beatifically, "it's all a dream, I'm not really here. Is this still the first quarter report?"  
"No, you're actually tucked up warm in bed, dreaming away the night," one of Rose's eyes twitched, she was starting to notice that happening more and more, "so there's nothing to get all worked up about is there?"  
"I'm dreaming?" He sighed, then blinked, "so, I still have to wake up and go to work? I can't even get away from this place in my dreams! This is the end!"  
  
He screamed and threw the first quarter report into the air, where it instantly spilled into a stack of random pages filled with numbers. He also threw his fauxspresso away, but it splashed against the wall in a brown stain that dripped into the electrical outlet feeding the Xerox machine with an enormous bang and a cloud of white smoke from the wall. The man screamed and ran for it. Flames began licking up the wall from the socket, feeding easily on the cheap magnolia paint and plasterboard.  
"Oh gosh!" John hopped down and Rose blushed frantically in the instant before he had his pants up again, "my dad's going to kill me!"  
"Let's get out of here!"  
"Shouldn't we, um, tell someone?"  
"Sure Egbert, and while you're at it maybe you can ask them if they can give you all those copies of your ass back! Come on!"  
  
The stationary room floor was covered in a mixture of first quarter report and unfortunate ass photocopies, all on cheap thin office paper which, unfortunately, blazed alight like a massive pile of paper. John and Rose burst out of the room in time to see a snivelling crying representative of accounts (receivable) being comforted by a ring of perplexed accountants, who looked up in horror as the two children fled from a small but respectable whoosh of flame and a shower of spreadsheets and asses. Rose pointed at the crying man.  
"That man," she shouted, "just set the first quarter report on fire!"  
They turned on him like screeching jackals. Rose tugged John past the carnage.  
  
Bro manhandled Mom into a stairwell with difficulty, she had started using her elbows. They were halfway down a set of concrete maintenance steps when bells started to ring, and the first group of fleeing workers started to push past them.  
"What the devil is going on here?" She shrieked. A secretary turned on her in frustration.  
"Can't you hear that? There's a fire?"  
Mom looked at Bro in shock, he looked back at her and shrugged.  
"There really is a fire?"  
"Uh, I guess?"  
"Oh you wonderful man! You came for me! Locking Mr Egbert in his office was a little much I suppose, but I don't blame you for wanting me all to yourself,"  
"Oh. Oh! No! Wait!"  
She pressed a finger to his lips. "Shh."  
  
John and Rose found themselves caught in a stampede, half of the people were trying to escape and half of them seemed to have been shipped in from various floors to join some kind of a riot that was going on around the first quarter report. They were buffeted from all sides, and Rose squealed as she was knocked aside, and John was pushed over. There was a thin but noticeable black smoky air creeping along the ceiling.  
  
Suddenly, the door to office four one three exploded outwards under the urging of Dad's shoulder. He took one look at the chaos around him and raised his arms.  
"Stop!" He announced, firmly and straightforwardly. Remarkably, the entire human stream of people hesitated for an instant, all eyes swivelled toward him. Dad waded through the crowd carefully towards the children and stooped to lift them both up in his arms. Rose was in a state of stunned shock, and John kept crying apologies for all of the butts. Dad made his way sternly to a stairwell with the children and nudged open the doors with a knee before turning and nodding to the crowd.  
"All right. Go."  
  
As fire engines pulled up to the office, Rose met up with her dishevelled mother and Bro outside. Mr Egbert nodded to Mrs Lalonde and announced that he was going to take his son for an ice cream.  
"I think," he said sternly, "that John's had more then enough excitement for one day."  
"Yes, ah, yes of course," Mom just nodded vaguely and put an arm round Rose's shoulders, "come along dear, we have to be off now."  
  
As the Lalonde party made its' way to their car, Rose mused thoughtfully.  
"You know mother, I have been giving it some thought. Maybe seeing Mr Egbert wouldn't be such a bad thing after all, I think it's a good idea for you." She smiled, there was something about being saved from a burning building that just made a girl feel like a fellow was made of the right stuff.  
"Well we'll see," said Mom, staring at Bro's back as they walked, "I might have something else in mind, dear." She was thinking exactly the same thing.


End file.
